55 Reasons Why We're Still Kissing 55 Years Later

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

Therefore what God  has joined together, let no man separate."

Matthew 19:6 NIV

Wow! Celebrating 55 years married to the most wonderful man in the world. How blessed we are to love and enjoy these years together. 

We didn't get it right all of the time. In fact, if you read We All Married Idiots, you'll understand there were times we almost threw our marriage away. I'm so glad we remained true to the vows we spoke through our happy tears 55 years ago. When the hurting tears came, our vows to God and to each other were the glue keeping our frayed marriage together.

As we celebrate our 55th Anniversary, I jotted down 55 ways (in no particular order) we got it right. In  hopes one will touch your heart and bless your marriage, I share them with you.

     1. Read your wedding vows and repeat to each other often.

     2. Go to bed at the same time whenever possible. The late-night pillow talk was precious and sometimes the only time we were alone during a busy day.

     3. Make intimacy a priority.

     4. Our marriage took priority over our children. We cherished our daughters and son and they knew they were loved. They also knew mom and dad loved each other, which brought joy and balance to our family.

     5. Be polite. My husband opened the car door for me when we dated and on our wedding day. He still does today. Those little courtesies mean a lot and speak volumes to our children.

     6. Date frequently. Your children will survive and thrive knowing mommy and daddy are going out just the two of them. Your child's greatest fear is that their parents will divorce. Seeing the two of you leave to enjoy each other may bring tears in the short run, but smiles for a lifetime.

     7. Vacation as a family. When you vacation together, you bond as a family. When another family is included in your plans, the kids bond with the other kids and not with each other or to their parents. An occasional vacation with friends is fun, but not every year.

     8. Overnight as a couple. Dan set as a priority that two weekends a year we get away together. I once said, "We can't afford this." He replied, "It's cheaper than a divorce." Dan was right.

     9. Your friends should never be more important than your spouse.

    10. Serve together at church or in the community. Find something you can do to work as a team.

    11. Discover activities and fun you can enjoy as a couple. I learned to love golf.

    12. Go on dates alone. Don't always go with another couple.

    13. Read Christian books on marriage. 

    14. Keep going to marriage retreats. This can be one of your weekends away.

    15. Your bedroom is your love sanctuary. Keep it clean and tidy and beautiful.

    16. Play romantic music and light candles. Make your home and your bedroom a retreat you both want to escape to.

    17. Do chores together. Raking leaves and shoveling snow is more fun as a twosome or a family.

    18. Seek ways to make each other's life better. Ask yourself What can I do to make my honey happy today.

    19. Celebrate big! Birthdays, Anniversaries, holidays are memory creators and make life fun.

    20. Be flexible. A rigid spouse is not very huggable.

    21. Practice kindness. Please and thank you never grow old. Kind people smile. So, smile. A lot.

    22. Be patient. Spouses and marriages need time to grow up.

    23. Consider your spouse before you consider yourself.

    24. Romance never grows old! Be creative and romantic and fun!

    25. Be content. Be happy with the person you married.

    26. Build your spouse up. Don't push or nag.

    27. Show and tell your spouse they are the most important person in your world.

    28. Plan surprises!

    29. Look nice at home and in bed.

    30. Sit close.

    31. Be present for big events whether a sick bed or a job promotion.

    32. Pray for each other. Pray for your marriage.

    33. Hold on during the bad times.

    34. Disagree, but don't disrespect.

    35. Choose your battles. Let go of the little irritations that don't matter.

    36. Hold hands.

    37. Fight fair. Stick to the subject of the dispute and never attack the person.

    38. Forgive and forget. Remember, we all make mistakes.

    39. Your spouse is not God, so don't expect perfection.

    40. Encourage their dreams.

    41. Avoid immorality of all kinds by watching and reading only uplifting, pro-marriage movies and television.

    42. Choose your friends wisely.

    43. Seek advice and counselling from Bible-believing, Godly pastors and friends.

    44. Remember: This too will pass. What upsets you today may be forgotten tomorrow.

    45. Leave your parents and cleave to your spouse.

    46. Live, act, and speak like a married person. Leave your single life behind.

    47. Don't belittle your spouse in public or private.

    48. Our children knew our marriage bed was where mommy and daddy slept, not them. I know this is controversial, but it was important in our marriage.

    49. Buy a lock for your bedroom door. Especially necessary when living with teens (for their sake and yours!).

    50. Always seek to glorify God in your marriage! Your marriage is not about you, but about God's glory.

    51. Every morning consider ways you can make like better for your spouse that day.

    52. Attend church together.

    53. Read the New Testament together one chapter a day.

    54. Encourage each other to never give up!

    55. Have patience with each other through the changing seasons of marriage.

I'm so glad we held on to each other when our marriage almost fell apart. Enduring love is the best! 

Happy Anniversary to us! Remembering the splashes of serenity and forgetting the mud and muck, we press on!

The Night I Fell in Love with Dan Miller

Planning our 50th wedding anniversary, my mind floods with memories and joy. God's purpose for us was so much more than we dreamed or expected fifty years ago. With thanks to God for His Goodness to us all the days of our lives, I share the moments when God's plan was sealed. God must chuckle as He orchestrates the love story in each of our lives.

 Dan was a blind date that didn't go very well. I never stopped talking. He never stopped listening, but he didn't say too much. (I learned later that this is a good quality.) At the time, I figured his silence was an indication of his disappointment in the girl he envisioned when he asked to see me before he had even seen me. (Of course,  in 1970 facebook and internet and cell phones did not exist.) A blind date really was a blind date. 

To my surprise, he asked to see me again. To my greater surprise, I said, "Alright." Date number two was a little worse than date number one.  I pre-decided not to do all the talking, so we pretty much didn't talk. He was a gentleman, I'll give him that credit. He made no attempt to hold my hand or kiss me goodnight. I wondered, Was he a gentleman, or did the thought of touching my hand repulse him? I did not know. We parted after two dates with no invitation for a third and my intent to refuse another encounter if asked. 

The phone call came on Tuesday, "Would you like to go out to dinner and to Ford Theatre to see The Fantasticks?" 

Please understand. I was a young, single girl working at the Treasury Department in Washington, D.C. My paychecks came in, and my paychecks went out, mostly for new clothes. Food was not a budget item. So, if a young man asked me out to dinner, I grabbed the opportunity to eat. Plus, theatre was in the deal. Win! Win!

Ninety degrees in April in D.C. is unusual, but that was the weather. Dressed for a special evening, Dan picked me up after work. He wore a wool sports coat and looked quite fine. We dined in an elegant restaurant. Now, I hadn't eaten for two days due to my money mismanagement. I ordered several large items. Dan's eyes were big and his expression unbelief. This night while I was busy eating, Dan did all the talking and his words were kind, funny, and pleasant. 

"Are you ready to go to the play?" He said after our lengthy meal.

"I haven't had dessert!" 

 I'm assuming that's the moment he fell in love with me. I learned later that Dan really likes a girl who can eat! He denies it, but I remember him joking one day and telling someone he married me because I was the only girl who could eat more than him!

We ordered dessert and enjoyed sweet food and conversation.

In 1970 Ford Theatre had not been renovated. The seats were the same as the night President Lincoln was assassinated — small and close together. Ninety degrees outside meant even higher temperatures inside this non-air-conditioned theatre. The heat hit my wool-coat-clad date hard. Drops of sweat beaded on his forehead and proceeded down his face for the rest of the night. 

When we arrived at our reserved seats, our hearts sunk a bit. One seat had a perfect view of the stage. The other seat had a large round column from ceiling to floor directly in front. Without hesitation, Dan moved into the obstructed seat. For the rest of the evening, his legs straddled the column, as his perspiration-soaked head swerved to the right and to the left attempting to catch a glimpse of the play.

 

Not one word of complaint came from Dan's mouth. In fact, he never even mentioned our seats were bad, or his face was hot, or his date ate too much. His purpose that night was to assure me a lovely evening. Mission complete. He stole my heart, as my mind filled with the thoughts of, this is a quality guy. That thought was sealed when he left me at my door with no kiss or expressed desire to come into my apartment. 

Five weeks later we were engaged. Five months later we wed. Dan lived Philippians 2:3-4 then and he hasn't faltered in fifty years of making my desires more important than his own. When a wife returns that affection, you've got a win-win marriage!

"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. 

Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 

Don't look out only for your own interests, 

but take an interest in others too."

Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT) 

I often say I married Dan because he was the kindest person I've ever met. I said it then. I say it now. With thanksgiving and praise to God who brought two idiots together in love for a lifetime.  

Mentoring is not a Suggestion. Mentoring is a Command!

Mentoring! Mentoring! Mentoring! I keep hearing the word "mentoring" at conferences, in conversations, in books, and speaking invitations.

Jayme Hull, author of Face to Face: Discovering How Mentoring Can Change Your Life  interviewed me recently on her podcast. Seehttp://www.jaymeleehull.com/podcast/ep-17-encouragement-marriages-elaine-w-miller/

Michelle Lazurek asked me to speak on mentoring at Coudersport Alliance Church's Spring banquet.

A month ago I commented on a blog and won Janet Thompson's book Mentoring for All Seasons.

All right God. You have my attention.

Janet Thompson's Mentoring for All Seasons opened my eyes to truth. Titus 2 doesn't encourage us to mentor younger women if we feel like it or we can fit mentoring into our busy days. 

Mentoring isn't a suggestion. 

Mentoring is a command! 

   "These older women must train the younger women 

to love their husbands and their children,

to live wisely and be pure. . . " 

Titus 2:4-5 (NLT)

Please notice the words "must train." Not perhaps train or find time to train or feel qualified to train but "must train."  

We must step up to this task and obey God's command to train the younger women. For if we don't, who will? Social media? Hollywood? satan? They will and they do. 

Let us not sit back trusting God for our Christian sisters and daughters 

while the world equips them with and encourages them towards ungodliness.

Mentoring  for All Seasons  takes the fear out of mentoring as a complete easy-to-understand, fun-to-read mentoring handbook. Janet Thompson walks the reader through every season and possible circumstance of life, making mentoring easy with tips and testimonies, Biblical examples, questions to ask, and resources to use. Thank you Janet Thompson for an excellent resource as well as admonition to reach younger generations for Christ. 

Psst: Did you notice Titus 2 says, "train the younger women to love their husbands"? In Mentoring for All Seasons, Janet Thompson encourages us to sit down with young wives and mentor them in marriage. She recommends We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can as a book that would be fun and easy to  use to mentor wives and those who hope to be wives. Thanks Janet for the shout out. What a sweet surprise!

Splash some serenity on a younger woman and mentor them towards God! You'll feel some of those splashes too. Promise.

Seven No No's When Dating Your Spouse

Anyone see it? What is wrong with this picture?

Last March Dan and I enjoyed a lovely dinner in Bosnia Herzegovina with our friends Mark and Kathy Eikost. We laughed and dined and were blessed with great fellowship and fun.

"Let me take your picture?" Good times are worth commemorating. Admiring the sweet smiles of our friends, I laughed when I realized their photo had indeed been bombed.

Do you see what's wrong? Why is the date at the next table going badly?

Not wanting to miss a teachable moment I noticed during the entire dinner, the couple never took their eyes off their phones. Not once. The waitress arrived and they ordered without looking at her or each other. The meal was served and their time on their phones didn't skip a beat. Their communication was silent.

Now, I don't want to judge, because possibly there was a family crisis going on and they needed to be attached to their phones instead of each other. But there is a lesson here.

Seven No No's When Dating Your Spouse:

1. Leave your telephones in your pockets and concentrate on each other.

2. Don't always double date with your favorite couple. You know what happens? The wives talk with each other and the husbands do the same. Nothing wrong with that, but make sure most of your dates eliminate other people.

3. Don't always talk about work, children, or negative subjects. Certainly there are times when you need to communicate with each other about work and children  or unpleasant  topics. But, once in a while decide to only talk about each other and what you love about each other. Dream your dreams and plan your future together refusing to put each other down or squash each other's plans.

4. Don't listen to the next table's conversation.  Give your full attention to your spouse, looking deep into their eyes.

5. Don't treat your spouse like a business associate. Instead build up your spouse like you did when you first dated. Guys, open the door for your sweetie, help her with her coat and chair. Gals, smile at your lover. Slip your hand on his knee. Give your love your full attention.

6. Do NOT flirt with the waiter or waitress!!!

7. If you see someone you know and engage in conversation with that person, honor your spouse by introducing him or her to your friend. 

I am sure there are other "no-no's." I'd love to hear from you any I've missed. Or perhaps some favorite memory of dating your spouse.

"I am my lover's and my lover is mine;" 

Song of Songs 6:3

Splash serenity on your marriage by making your marriage a priority. Always.

Creative Dating Strengthens Your Love and Your Marriage

The other day  Dan and I ran through the vineyards. I laughed thinking of  Solomon's bride, the Shulamite woman, seducing her Solomon with

"Come, my love, let us go out to the fields

and spend the night among the wildflowers.

Let us get up early and go to the vineyards

to see if the grapevines have budded.

If the blossoms have opened,

and if the pomegranates have bloomed.

There I will give you my love." 

Song of Songs 7: 11--12  

Woo Hoo! Well, just to calm your curiosity, no, Dan and I did not spend the night in the vineyards. But we did have a lovely day and our love and marriage were strengthened.

Because that's what dating your spouse does.

 Strengthens your love and your marriage.

We live close to New York vineyards. The beauty of the drive was enough to satisfy my hunger for a get away with my love..

Romantic Naples, New York

The sun and light wind gave us  a soul and a marriage massage as we picked boxes of grapes.  

Continuing the fun we made memories and juice. 

Together.

During the juice making process, 

we laughed.

Thoughts of Lucille Ball stomping grapes came to mind.

I share our fall day with you hoping to urge you to keep dating your spouse. 

Like the Shulamite woman, be creative! 

Like Lucy, be fun.  

Seek creative ways to experience each other anew and afresh 

in the vineyard and in the kitchen!

What creative dates have you and your honey enjoyed?

I know where you can find a vineyard! Wink! Wink!

May God splash serenity on your marriage,

3 Ways to Make Nice in Your Marriage

Pretty cool when a blogger asks my permission to blog about We All Married Idiots, specifically Chapter nine, titled "Make Nice." Wow! I love when God uses His Words to impact hearts.

Thanks Dawn Marie Wilson for encouraging us to choose to make nice and not to make mean. You can read Dawn's thoughts at
http://www.upgradewithdawn.com/blog/2016/9/15/3-ways-to-make-nice-in-your-marriage.html

We choose. Every day. Make Nice or make mean. Which one do you think brings a splash of serenity to your home? Why would you ever choose the other?

Serenity hugs from God to you, dear readers,

How to Keep Your Marriage Full When Your Nest is Empty

August.

 That dreaded month when our babies go away to college. 

Turn your grief into glee as I share 

How to Keep Your Marriage Full When Your Nest is Empty 

on 

Dawn Marie Wilson's Upgrade With Dawn blog below:

http://www.upgradewithdawn.com/blog/2016/8/2/keep-your-marriage-full-when-your-nest-is-empty.html

The above post will put a splash of serenity on any marriage! Go for it!

Miller's Ministering to Marriages in Bosnia Herzegovina

Please Lord, let  one marriage be impacted by this book, I prayed as I typed away writing We All Married Idiots: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can.

If just one marriage is helped, all this work will be worth it.  I cried (literally) as I bared my soul and my marriage troubles for all the world to read. And, indeed, the world is reading. Little did I know the plans God had for We All Married Idiots would be greater than I ever asked or imagined.

"Now all glory to God, 

Who is able,

 through His mighty power at work within us, 

to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

When International Workers (IW's) in Bosnia Herzegovina (BiH) asked permission to translate We All Married Idiots into their language, my publisher and I didn't hesitate to give them the go ahead. There are few books on marriage available in the BiH language, and the IW's saw We All Married Idiots as a ministry tool. They were right in their assessment. And didn't they choose an amazing cover!

Soon the invitation came for my husband Dan and I to come to Bosnia Herzegovina for two weeks of book promotion and marriage seminars. We leave March 9. Our schedule is packed with opportunities as we lead a marriage retreat for BiH church leaders, speak in churches, and teach
at Mostar Bible School. Booksigning and speaking events are also planned in community centers where the target audience is secular.

Thank you to all who have encouraged and prayed for me for many years. You are dear to my heart.

If ever I need prayer, I feel it is now.

Please pray as Dan and I speak many times over two weeks.

Pray for our health and safety.

Pray for BiH marriages.

Pray we will have wisdom to counsel and connect with BiH couples despite the cultural and language barriers.

Thank you to all who travel my journey with me.

To those who dream big dreams, don't give up. Don't grow weary. Keep writing and impacting the world for Christ.

May God give splashes of serenity to the marriages in Bosnia Herzegovina, I pray,

Be the Man of Your Castle and Treat Her Like a Princess

Husbands, this post is for you. Let me ask you, On your wedding day, did you open the car door for your bride? Of course you did. Do you still? If not, why not! What a simple gesture to show love and care for your beloved bride no matter how long you are married.

My granddaughters were riding with us in of our car recently. Grandpa always opens the doors for his granddaughters because they are his princesses. And for me too, because I am his Queen.

 "How does it make you feel when grandpa open the car door for you?"
 I asked Gracie.

"Loved, respected, cherished." she smiled.

Isn't that what husbands and wives promise on their wedding day? To love and to cherish.

 It's so easy to treasure your wife. Why wouldn't a man continue this practice through all his wedded days.  I don't know, but I suspect that simple gesture could keep your marriage sweet.

My husband of 45 years lets me know every time we enter and exit a car that he loves, respects and cherishes me. So simple. Doesn't cost a penny, yet in my heart  has the same power of a dozen roses.

"Husbands,

 in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, 

and treat them with respect as the weaker partner 

and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, 

so that nothing will hinder your prayers." 

1 Peter 3:7 (NIV)

Splash serenity on your bride today and open the door, guys!

Help for Spanish Marriages - An Interview With the Translator of We All Married Idiots

How does an author have their book translated into another language? I have no idea, but God placed We All Married Idiots into the hands and heart of an International Worker in Uruguay who envisioned this book as a tool to help Spanish marriages worldwide.

What a  thrill to welcome  Stephanie Beers, my friend, and the Spanish translator of Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas   (We All Married Idiots).  Thank you, Stephanie, for the gift you gave to the Spanish -speaking world and to me by translating We All Married Idiots into Spanish.

ELAINE: Stephanie, I think we've known each other about 30 years. Our husbands were pastors together in upstate New York. We've both covered a lot of territory in 30 years. Tell our readers a little about yourself.

STEPHANIE: I remember those days of home service when we were pastoring in upstate New York right after I graduated from college.  We were only married a year when we began our ministry there…in a few months we will celebrate 31 years of marriage!  While in New York our son was born, and when he was just a little over a year old we moved from snowy New York to balmy Costa Rica to begin language study.  After a year of tackling the Spanish language we moved to Quito, Ecuador where we worked on a church planting team for 3 years, and where our daughter was born.  We then spent the next 20 years in the coastal city of Guayaquil, nicknamed the “Pearl of the Pacific.”  We ministered in two different church plants, raised our children, taught at the Bible Seminary and built relationships that will last a lifetime…and then some!  I realized that when we left Ecuador, I had spent half of my life there!  Then God in His great sense of humor nudged us out of what had become comfortable and homey to take on a new challenge in the most secular country, and most secular city in Latin America.  Our desire is to reflect the true God through transparent lives and to show God’s love in practical ways…to live generously and love extravagantly. 

ELAINE: Stephanie, I remember well when We All Married Idiots was released. You must have been one of the first to purchase it on your Kindle, because within a few days I received a message from you asking if We All Married Idiots could be translated into Spanish.  I cried. I really did. Tell me, what inspired you to ask about a Spanish translation?

STEPHANIE: Throughout the years our ministry has always involved couples…pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling, couple’s dinners, marriage enrichment weekends and just hanging out with couples around a meal.  We have also made a promise to each other to make our marriage a priority.  It is a commitment that we take seriously and God takes it seriously as well.  Your book is very practical, down-to-earth and peppered with personal illustrations that make someone think… “I am not the only one that has thought or done this…so maybe there is hope for me.” Uruguay has an 80% divorce rate and I thought that this would be a great book to get into the hands of my friends here, and for Spanish speakers all over the world.

ELAINE: What a response I received from around the world when people read that We All Married Idiots was being translated into Spanish. I heard from people in Spain, El Salvador, Bolivia, Argentina, Florida. I understand that not all Spanish is alike. The Spanish spoken in the United States is a bit different than the Spanish spoken in Uruguay. Is that right? If so, can all Spanish-speaking people understand this translation, or just the Spanish in Uruguay?

STEPHANIE: Spanish has many variations, with a few changes in vocabulary and accents, just like in the United States with the accents from the north and south, east and west. English spoken in Canada has different words for some things and their accent is different as well, the same for England, Australia and other English speaking countries.  But it is still English, and it can be understood in the rest of the world.  The same is true for Spanish.  There are many Spanish speaking countries with their own peculiar accent and terminology, but in the end it is still Spanish.  Most of the Spanish speakers in the United States have their roots on other countries in Central and South America.

ELAINE: Marriage problems are universal. Is there anything about Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas (We All Married Idiots) that makes it different than other Spanish books on marriage?

STEPHANIE: Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas is a practical book, not just theoretical, that presents real-life problems and real-life solutions. People can identify with the book. I like the fact that each chapter has the Meditate (not just Elaine’s great ideas…but God’s word), Reflect (what does this mean to me), Change (what am I/we going to do about it) and Pray (realizing that we need God’s help or this is never going to work) elements that make it seem “do-able.”

ELAINE: I can't imagine trying to take each sentence of a book and translate it. Did you have help or did you take on this project alone?

STEPHANIE: I translated the book by myself and also enlisted the help of 2 of my best friends from Ecuador and one friend from here in Uruguay to be my editors.  They are all Christians and bi-lingual, hence I asked for their help to make sure that the book was translated correctly, that the concepts made sense, and that it just wasn’t a literal word-for-word translation. As I translated each chapter I would send it to 2 of my editors, they would send me their corrections, I would compile them and send that document to the third editor.  After the book was complete I sent the final version to a fourth person who is also a bi-lingual newly married Christian for her opinion…she loved it!

ELAINE: Now that Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas  is available, what are your hopes for Idiotas and how can it be used in the lives of Uruguayans as well as Floridians?

STEPHANIE: My desire is that Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas will be used to bring hope and healing to broken marriages.  I pray that this book will speak to couples that have been married 6 months or 60 years.  May it be an instrument to help couples cross the finish line, to run the marathon, and not just give up after a 50 yard dash.  My hope is that couples will make their marriages a priority and this will positively affect all of society.

ELAINE: I assume you felt We All Married Idiots  was a book worth reading or you would not have asked to translate it. What about this book touched your heart and why would you recommend couples read it?

STEPHANIE: I would recommend We All Married Idiots because it is biblical, practical and useful.  I have probably read the book at least 6 times by now, and each time I read it I am reminded of something else that I can do to improve my marriage.

ELAINE: Thank you, Stephanie, you have blessed me and your work will bless marriages. I know we both agree, to God be the glory!

Todos Nos Casamos con Idiotas  is available at www.amazon.com/dp/1941103065 (print) and http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TOUCEHY/ (Kindle).

We All Married Idiots is available on line at http://www.amazon.com/We-All-Married-Idiots-Marriage/dp/0984765522/,  www.ChristianBook.com, Barnes & Noble,  through your local bookstore, or this website. 

May God bring serenity to your marriage,

"Never Ever Be The Same — A New You Starts Today" excerpt and Book Give Away!

NEVER EVER BE THE SAME — A New You Starts Today is the promising title of a book released this week. If you comment below, you'll enter a give away to receive a free copy sent to your home. 

Contest ends Midnight, January 24, 2015. Thank you to all who commented below. The winner of Never Ever Be The Same  is Stephanie Nickel!!! Enjoy!!!

 Authors and husband/wife team Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller aren't related to me, except we share the same passion for Christ and for marriages that glorify Him. We also share similar marriage stories each having almost thrown away a marriage God wanted to bless. When God saves your life and your marriage, it's worth writing about. Thank you, Kathy and Larry, for writing your stories so others will Never Ever Be The Same.

Be blessed by the  following excerpt from Never Ever Be the Same, and  ask yourself, do you love or do you love well?

Do We Love Or Do We Love Well?

by Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller

Do we love others or do we love others well? All of us love imperfectly. But loving “well” means we love them for their benefit rather than what it does for us or how it makes us look. We're not talking about perfection but we are talking about desiring another's good. We've all been around someone who is supposedly expressing love for us but it is disingenuous because it is really about them looking good or getting what they want. We don't really feel encouraged or cared for.

I, Larry, may be wrong but I sensed a lack of loving well when I received an e-mail from a man who was considering buying one of our marriage books for his wife. He wrote, “I choose to love my unsaved wife as I love myself. She has a lot of issues and it's my hope, prayer and confidence that my example, the light that I allow to shine in our home, and the love that I extend to her, just as God has done for me, will be a part of what God uses to save her.”

I didn't have any kind of relationship with this man to be able to inquire into his motives. But I could sense that he might easily come across to his wife as thinking himself better than her. I wondered if he communicated a belief that he never needed to repent of anything and that she should be grateful for the way he puts up with her.

And I also wondered, “What is his motive for needing to explain?” Does he speak to others with this same kind of superior attitude? If his wife shares with him the superior attitudes she senses, how would he respond? I had a deep sense that he wasn't loving her well. Unfortunately, he had concluded he loved her so well that he was amazed his sparkling and pristine example of Christ's love hadn't compelled her to become a Christian.

Here are other common ways we do not love well:

A husband buys his wife for their anniversary (or birthday or Christmas) what he wants for himself, not what she values. He looks forward to the admiring looks from his friends when he uses the item himself.

A wife plans an elaborate surprise birthday party for her husband, but he would rather enjoy a weekend away with her. But the accolades the wife gets at the party motivates her to throw another party the next year.

We’ve all been guilty at one time or another, but we may be able to avoid this error by focusing on how God loves us well. He always responds to us for our greatest good and desires our greatest benefit. Let’s make a commitment to do the same for those we love.

How has God shown you that kind of loving “well”?

This article is excerpted from Never Ever Be the Same (Leafwood Publishers) which offers Christians hope that they can change their ungodly reactions through identifying their self-protective strategies and trusting God instead. The authors are Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller and includes biblical principles, insightful stories, and helpful instruction. It has individual and group discussion questions.

Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller are speakers and authors. They have been married 44 years and Larry is a retired police lieutenant. The Millers live in Southern California, and have two grown children and one grandson. Visit them at www.LarryAndKathy.com. Kathy blogs at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Never Ever Be the Same is available at your local Christian bookstore and in both print and digital versions at:

Amazon: http://amzn.to/1ITmLfy 

CBD: http://bit.ly/1AuJZSX

Barnes and Noble: http://bit.ly/1BJz3lC

Remember to leave a comment below for an opportunity to receive a give away copy of  Never Ever Be the Same. 

Splashes of Serenity on your day!

My Best Marriage Advice

Want to add sparks to your love flames, leave the marriage-ruining busyness of every day, and go away for a weekend of marriage-encouraging rest with your spouse?

You and your love don't only deserve time away, you need time away.

For most of our 44 years of marriage Dan and I committed to going away alone for two weekends every year. Those weekends renewed, refreshed, and invigorated our love and passion for each other and our commitment to our marriage.

It's time you and your love spent some quality couple time.

Give your honey a gift he or she won't forget by making reservations to the Couples Retreat at Montrose Bible Conference in Montrose, PA, January 30 - February 1, 2015. Cost is $300 - $320 a couple, depending on accommodations. Call 1-800-598-5030 for reservations.

Dan and I will join you there where we will teach four sessions over three days. You'll laugh, you may cry, you'll have lots of free time, you'll not be threatened, you'll eat amazing food, you'll be glad you came. Whether married one year or fifty, you and your lover will go home with a stronger, healthier marriage.

Can't afford it? Montrose Bible Conference offers scholarships. Ask and you may receive.

Still can't afford it?  Well, it's cheaper than a divorce.

No babysitter? Swap with friends. We'll watch your children a weekend if you'll watch ours another weekend.

Too much work to do? Well, then you need this retreat more than you realize.

No excuses. What a delightful Valentine's gift you can give to your love by investing time in your marriage at a couples' conference.

Splashes of Serenity! Ahhhh. That's what a marriage retreat is — a spa for your marriage. I hope to see you there!

Seek Help. Don't Seek a Divorce

Every time a book on marriage is sold, that's another marriage seeking help instead of seeking a divorce.

When I hear one of my books sells, I immediately pray for that couple that God would reveal hope, truth, healing, and guidance for that relationship.

 Author Jean Oathout shares my passion for marriages. In her book,  Granny's Guide to Marriage in Verse, she writes powerful truths with poetic beauty.

Today on Jean Oathout's blog, www.jean-oathout.blogspot.com, Jean shares many resources helpful to marriages. If you want to seek help and not a divorce, please check out what Jean recommends.

Thanks, Jean, for featuring We All Married Idiots and my husband's and my ministry to marriages.

May marriages be blessed through our ministries, Jean. You splashed serenity on my day which I pray splashes serenity on marriages throughout this world.

Praying many will seek  help and not seek a divorce,

Healthy Marriages Make Healthy Churches

Dan and I desire to share our marriage story at your church or retreat center.

Dan's retirement as Pastor and District Superintendent with the Christian and Missionary Alliance provides us with time to pursue our passions. One close to our hearts is growing healthy marriages. You see, we almost threw away our marriage, and we want to prevent other couples from making the same mistake.

Let us laugh with you, teach you, help you experience marriage as God intended.

A husband wrote this from our last retreat: "I just really wanted to let you know what an amazing time we had hearing from you and Dan. We hope to be able to attend the conference in January at Montrose. I just really wanted to say thank you, and let you know what a blessing it's been for Elice and myself to hear from you both. Thanks again!" ~Thomas Slavin

Our next marriage retreat is at Montrose Bible Conference, January 30-Feb 1, 2015. For more information see:
http://www.montrosebible.org/OurEvents/tabid/113/page_550/1/eventid_550/8/Default.aspx
For reservations, please call Montrose at 1-800-598-5030.

If you would like to schedule a marriage retreat at your church or retreat center, please email us at SplashesofSerenity@yahoo.com or call us at 607-527-6067.  We're flexible and affordable. Call and let's schedule a one-night, one-day, or weekend get away for the couples of your church and community.

Throughout our 44 years of marriage, annual weekend getaways to concentrate on our marriage were non-negotiable. Please make time away with  each other a priority.  There is a divorce every 13 seconds in this country. Let's change that statistic.

Healthy marriages make healthy churches.

Splashes of Serenity!

Boomer Marriages Going Bust

The divorce rate among people 50 and older has doubled since 1990  reports The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and other sources.

A lengthy marriage does not guarantee immunity from divorce. Certainly, many over  50's have settled into a ho-hum he does his thing and she does hers mentality. Living more like brother and sister, roommates, strangers, or enemies is not what God planned when He joined you and your beloved as one for a lifetime.

What are the causes of a late-in-life divorce? Marriage for those over 50 brings financial, health, empty nest, and retirement challenges a couple never considered when they skipped through their days singing "We've Only Just Begun."   

Perhaps Carly Simon's sad song on older marriage plays in the background of their minds as couples live the reality that 25+ years together may have the two of you growing apart and drowning in love's debris. 




Older couples need help. Statistics and song writers can't all be wrong.

God's plan for marriage is that you don't just survive, but you thrive til the end of your days. 

Many marriages do thrive in old age and attest to the joys of enduring love that grows stronger each year. This is the marriage I pray for each of you.

My heart beats for marriages, which is why I took four years of my life to write We All Married Idiots. Many older couples have written to me that Idiots helps marriages of all ages. I pray it will help yours.

Recently, a husband married 26 years wrote me with this testimony:

"I can't say enough about the content of We All Married Idiots and how it changes lives, but most importantly, hearts. I was in the worst place in my life with my wife of 26+ years when she wanted a divorce, not to mention 6 beautiful children. My friend and pastor, lent me this book and it changed me. Most of all it was ALL the scripture I needed to overcome the sadness. Also, I got my Christian wife to read it as well. She read it and I believe that she was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and our marriage was saved. Praise God! We are in love now more than at our wedding! Thanks for writing such a powerful book. I have to give the book back to my pastor, but I will definitely be buying one for myself and my wife. We plan to read it from time to time to keep our marriage strong and filled with Christ!" ~ a happy husband

Is your marriage struggling? Please don't give up. Don't drown in love's debris. Hold on to your marriage and hold on to the scripture and truth written in We All Married Idiots.  I hope you'll buy a copy for yourself or for a hurting couple. We all no someone in marriage trouble. Won't you care enough to invest in their marriage?

Let's keep boomer marriages booming!

Splashing serenity and hope for gray-haired marriages!

The Marriage Tipping Point

Little did I know when asked to speak at a Russian coffee shop on my book We All Married Idiot: Three Things You Will Never Change About Your Marriage and Ten Things You Can, that a woman serving with TransWorld Radio was in the audience. Introducing herself afterwards, she asked if I would come to TransWorld Radio in St. Petersburg for an interview that would be broadcast all over Russia.

The third segment of that interview will be broadcast on www.twrradio.ru this Saturday, March 22, 2014 at 2:45, 6:45, 10:45, 14:45, 18:45, and 22:45 Moscow time.

Authors and speakers dream of someone influential in their audience who will take hold of their book and run with it until its popularity spreads to millions of households. Writers hope and pray for this breakthrough because we are passionate about our book's subject. Otherwise, we would not have the discipline to write.

 In Malcolm Gladwell's book The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference, he explains The Tipping Point like this:

"The tipping point is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire. Just as a single sick person can start an epidemic of the flu, so too can a small but precisely targeted push cause a fashion trend, the popularity of a new product, or a drop in the crime rate. This widely acclaimed bestseller, in which Malcolm Gladwell explores and brilliantly illuminates the tipping point phenomenon, is already changing the way people throughout the world think about selling products and disseminating ideas."

I wrote We All Married Idiots hoping that people would change the way they think about marriage. Your spouse is not an idiot to tolerate. Your beloved is a gift to treasure. Now that's a point I pray tips the scales in favor of marriage for generations to come. 

Praying my talks in Russia make a big difference in Russian marriages. Will you pray for marriages please? Currently a book study of We All Married Idiots is happening in St. Petersburg and a translator is translating Idiots into Russian. 

Pray We All Married Idiots is the little book that makes a big difference. Thank you.

 Splashes of Serenity on your marriage that splash and splash and splash for years to come,