Friday, April 16, 2021

My covid/cancer Journey — "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over" ~ Yogi Berra

Like a baseball punch in the gut, 
the pain hit me as I read Sunday morning's e-mail, 

"Blood Cancer Patients are at High Risk of COVID-19 Vaccine Failure."

 For the first time in over thirteen months,
  I was going to church.
The excitement overtook me. 
I thought I would cry with joy. 

How I miss my friends, singing together, being in God's House, 
all of the preciousness of being a member of the family of God. 

A quick check of my e-mail brought the headline news.
 Although vaccinated and my four doctors saying
  I was safe to re-enter society, 
that Sunday's research revealed
the vaccine fails on the majority of blood cancer patients.

 For one of the few times on this journey,
 I cried. 
My tears of joy at returning to church 
turned to tears of sorrow.

A call to my doctor resulted in an appointment for an antibody test. 
In two weeks, I'll learn if I have immunity from covid-19 or not.  

The struggle is real. 
Pride had set in. 
I've been so strong. 
"You have the best attitude!" is repeated by many. 
Aren't I amazing! 
One person said, 
"You've been raised from the dead, twice!" 
Once with cancer and again with severe covid-19. 

This day I didn't feel strong, amazing, or having the best attitude. 
Instead of being raised from the dead,
I felt buried again.

What does a person do when 
filled with hope and 
wiped of hope simultaneously?
 I turned to God,
 asked to understand why I was hit with another hurtle. 

God was silent.
 Was He silent, or 
did I just not hear Him? 

Weakness of spirit became 
strength of spirit as 
 I once again surrendered my life, 
or my death, 
into the will of God. 

Then He arrived.
(Actually, He never left. I know that and you do too.) 

Jesus brought the disciples to my mind.
 How exciting to live life with Jesus, 
to eye-witness the miracles, 
to know His love day in and day out and 
have no doubts that Jesus is 
the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
 He can and will do anything that pleases Him.

What shock to see all their dreams shattered
 — like a punch in the stomach — 
watching Him crucified, dead, and buried. 
No more miracles.
No more hope.
Love is dead. 

But Hallelujah!
 Jesus rose from the dead. 
He's alive!!! 
Tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy! 

Because friends, 
"It ain't over 'til it's over."

God reminded me of Jesus's words to Simon Peter after the resurrection:

 " . . . do you truly love me . . . .
 do you truly love me? . . . .
 do you love me? . . . . 
Do you love me? . . . . 
Follow me!" 
(Matthew 21:15-19)

Four times He asked Peter. 
And He now asks me and you
(please insert your name):

Elaine, do you truly love me? 
Elaine, do you truly love me? 
Elaine, do you love me? 
Elaine, do you love me?
 Elaine, follow me?

Yes, Lord. 
Yes, Lord. 
Yes, Lord. 
Yes, Lord. 
I will follow You and
 I trust You because 
no one knows it better than You, Lord, that

 "it ain't over 'til it's over." 


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